people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.