people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
We like the way Dwight thinks
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.