People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
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Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
That earthquake could have been an email.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.