Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.