Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

repaired

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.