People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
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My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
“and how does that make you feel?”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Time heals everything 🙂
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.