People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
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Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
The first one, obviously
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
make up your mind
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination