People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
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My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?