People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
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COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
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Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.