People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts