Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

It will always be this

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.