People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
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please stand back I’m about to make this worse
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.