Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.