Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Moms. The original autocorrect.

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”

Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t

Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.