People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
You Might Also Like
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.