People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
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I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet