People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
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It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I’m sorry…what?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.