People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
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I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Just so funny
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Cop lights are so pretty at night
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.