People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
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If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?