People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
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Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON: