Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

It’s his time

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.