@nealbrennan

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

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@Hadzilla

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

@JessiCanadian

My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.

@DaddyJew

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

@lilgapeach32

You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol.

@RodLacroix

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

@CornOnTheGoblin

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

@Tmoney68

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

@JimmerThatisAll

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

@TheTweetOfGod

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.