People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

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FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years


My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.


*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*


You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol.


It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.


The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.


My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.


I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.


What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.