Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

The “baby” on the left….

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control

“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*

DAMMIT NOT AGAIN

me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun

zookeeper: your what

I’d love this…lol

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

This is a true ally.