People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
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[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Tell me you get it…🤣
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site