People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
