People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
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If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.