People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Always…
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
all that yoga finally paid off
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
