Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

what’s really going on

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning