Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

Rambo Rambow

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.