“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
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Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
At least my masseuse has my back.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.