People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
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[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.