People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
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I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
me before I type out affect or effect
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
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The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here