People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a