People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
You Might Also Like
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
💀💀
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
dude it’s called proctologist
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
