People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
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*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.