People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
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If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Jogging
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
I triple waxed for this?
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.