Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

LOL

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

[blind date]

HER: I love sports!

ME: Uh…me too

HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass

ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth

If you love someone, let them sleep.

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

I feel this so hard

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

💀💀

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.