People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
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[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
This is my pinned tweet
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess