People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
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Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
April 1st is the class clown of days.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
Does this dress make me look cat?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
half of twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!