Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

Monica just destroyed the internet

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening