People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
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BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse