Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”