People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”