Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

Does it…does it take 3 days

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

For the baby who has everything

what the hell pray for carter everyone

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.