People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
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My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂