People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
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My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”