People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Investing in beetcoin
