Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”