Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

emergency phone

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne