People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
You Might Also Like
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
The Book. The Movie.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.