people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
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No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
December birthdays be like…
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen