Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.