People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
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I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!