People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
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*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
We need more people like this.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?