Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

asking santa clause for nudes

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.