Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Breaking news:

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints