Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

You can’t rush stupid.

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?