Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.