People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
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You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
seriously you guys
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.