People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
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Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.