Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

being a writer on Twitter:

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?