People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Don’t forget to tip your server
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one