Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cndnsd Mlk

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.