Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems