People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
You Might Also Like
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!