People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you