People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special