People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
this chia pet tastes awful
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…