People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.