Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

I’m about to risk it all

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats