People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
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the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.