People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)