People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
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*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
me irl
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
