Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.