People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I just love that new Pope smell.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?