People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
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Who wants to be my Valentine?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.