People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
You Might Also Like
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.