Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

Huge, if true.

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

could’ve been anyone

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

Did I do this right

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.