people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
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me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?