Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it