Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club