People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
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90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.